017

The days just seem to be ticking away like hands on a clock. Time keeps going and going, never stopping. Even when you think you've stopped, you're still going, growing, dying slowly and inching closer and closer to another beginning.

Even though you want to start over fresh, or like in a game just cut off the console and start back from the last save--you can't. The choices you make, the paths you take are all in tandem and there's no back button you can click or press. Everything costs a little bit (With every action there lies a consequence.).

There's one thing I always say about a certain person... a quote I read from a poster on the wall of a classroom years ago:

"An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it."
                                          - Orlando A. Battista

It applies to everyone though. Not just that certain person.

I'm so glad that summer is finally over and the cooler seasons can make their way. It's just so strange how fast time flies... It's as though spring was only yesterday.

I'm trying hard to keep myself busy, but I always get so distracted.

Every day, I play with new pieces of a gigantic puzzle that will always be incomplete. They're pieces of my life: past, present and future. I wish I could at least put a few pieces together, but it's difficult. I just need more time and patience.

016

August 15... Grandma turns 78. Surprise party at a family friend's house. Tons of food, birthday cake, gifts and karaoke. We totally had a blast.

August 16... Visited friends. Spontaniety overcame. Roadtrip to Sikeston, MO. Dinner at Lambert's, home of throwed rolls. Amazing experience complete with souvenir cups and photobooth pictures... So many leftovers!

August 17... Back at friends' house. Guys are playing Halo. Ready to go home. Need sleep.

- Sent from my iPod

015

I want to be able to carry a conversation. I am not sure if there actually is a right or wrong way of doing it, but if there is I feel like I am doing it wrong. I want to know the right things to say and when to stop if I am talking too much. I want to be a good listener. I am always afraid to answer a question or speak up if I am unsure only to find out I would have been right if I had just said something.

If only for once I could just close my mouth and open my ears. I want to be the person someone can rely on to just listen--hear them out patiently with no interruptions unless requested. I wish that I could put myself on mute just for long enough to let someone else do the talking. I want to be the microphone, not the speakers.

014

I figured that since I was planning without being formally engaged, and he decided he wanted us to do it all over the right way... I won't start planning, not really, until I know for sure it's going to happen. Although things aren't always "for sure"... I'm willing to take a break from all the stress of rushing something that we're not exactly ready for quite yet.

I was starting to forget the things that are even more important.

Love is patient.

I sort of realize now how I was getting all caught up and excited over something that didn't seem very possible at the time. There were too many missing elements. I was over my head.

So now I've decided that if I want us to work out, I've gotta get in sync with him. He's all over the place, this insane but lovable workaholic nerd and I love him so much, and more than anything I want us to work. That's that.

013

I'm no longer worried about the wedding. As far as I know, the wedding will be postponed until further notice.

012

soconfusedsoconfusedsoconfused

I'm not quite sure what to say. I think I'm seriously screwing up the wedding already and it hasn't even happened yet. I wasn't prepared for planning or anything, and even though I could postpone it, because I mean now that seems to be the right thing to do... the boy says he kind of feels pressured (even though that confuses me even more because he used to always tell me things like he could whisk me away and we could elope on a whim!) and I'm feeling like I slacked off way too much for this to work out right now.

I'm only saying this after logging into a website that the David's Bridal website signed me up for. I only signed up at David's Bridal to play with the virtual thingy that you can dress your wedding up in & stuff. I thought it would be fun while I was bored, but now I'm worried. I logged into previously mentioned website, Our Wedding Day, and found out that you're supposed to do a ton of stuff months ahead. I wish I had known that then...

Now I'm worried that I won't be able to: make an appointment for us to get our blood tests, arrange the marriage license, request certified copies, prepare change of name documents and all that jazz. I suck at this, I swear! I wish I had some sort of like... niche for this stuff. I wish it all just came to me naturally, but obviously it doesn't just come easy like that (at least for me).

I don't know what to do. I need a coach or someone who can just stand next to me through all of this so I don't skip over big factors. Should the wedding go on?! I'm really worried. The wedding is only 34 days away. I've royally screwed this up, didn't I?

I wish I would stop worrying so much, but maybe this really calls for it now. I had all this time to try and get organized and whatnot... I will try to collect myself tonight, get some rest and try to figure this out tomorrow. Neeeeeeed sleeeeeep.

011

Yesterday would have been a good day if it wasn't for my attitude. For the first time ever (or what felt like), the boy wanted to tell me what was on his mind, and the topic that came up wasn't exactly what I was wanting to hear. Maybe it's the fact that it's true. I am currently without a job and so far all he has seen of me is the slacker lifestyle.

I haven't made an effort ever since I got fired. I have no idea why. It's like I wanted to just give up. The fact that I no longer have a car, thanks to complications of my past that I don't want to bring back up, and I would have to depend on someone else to be my form of transportation discourages me immensely. No lies. It seriously does. I cannot stand having to depend on someone. I've done it for far too long already, and I'm so desperate to feel independent, but I'm not.

I can't be until I accept the fact that I do need help, temporarily, until I can get back on my feet. And once I can get to that point, things will come so much easier for me. I know this, and I trust that the Lord would make it so for me--for us. I just don't know why I have to take such offense when someone, especially the man I love, wants to express their concern.

The same way I overreact when my mom and grandma show concern about my weight. They're only trying to help, but I feel like I'm being attacked. It's the wrong frame of mind.

I understand that they're only trying to help. I just feel like if I don't make the decision for myself on my own terms it won't work because it'll be for the wrong reasons. The same reason why I'm not back in college right now like I'd like to be.

I'm really paying for my previous mistakes, and I'm just hoping that one day I can look back on all of this and laugh about it.

The boy and I are okay though. He thought I was mad at him, but I wasn't. I just overreacted.