018

We constantly move closer to a brand new year.

A fresh start just like the last year.

This particular year has truly blown me away.

There was moving, getting a job, moving again...

I'm just... ecstatic right now.

It'll be 2 years of an amazing relationship with the boy.

For me, that truly is a milestone.

I remember I had an exchange of words with a friend once whom accused me of having what he called a "speed-dating mentality". I felt so discouraged because I rushed into relationships thinking they'd last forever to only be left in disappointment. I don't believe my friend understood what it really means to go through something like that because he was always so cautious... Always making sure that he didn't slip up on a rush to feel something like I did. And maybe he did play it smarter than me, but I learned my lessons, and I'm glad I learned it my way.

Sometimes there is heartbreak. More often than naught. I know that the very short-lived relationships I experienced in previous years were small steps towards something greater. It prepared me for the relationship I am in today. I don't know what may already be written for me, but if I can help to make my own future, I know where I want to be. I don't want to wander alone in the coming years waiting for something that won't come. I'm not saying I'm not patient. I'm just saying that I have what I need, at least that's what I believe.

Today is what we traditionally celebrate as Thanksgiving. So today, as though I don't do this enough, I want to give thanks to the people and things I am grateful for. It tends to be a very long list, but I will make it shorter by placing individuals toward a group. I am thankful for the Lord whom has done great things for all of us, my family and friends, the clothes on my back, the roof over my head, the food that I eat, the job I would not have if it wasn't for my other half... And I am especially thankful for my other half. He is so wonderful in many, many ways.

I am also thankful that my older brother could come down from Ohio to visit us and spend the holiday with us. It's always great to be able to have family together. I am looking forward to getting off this morning at 7am and grabbing some groceries to make dessert for our Thanksgiving dinner held at my mom's later in the day. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I love you all. :)

017

The days just seem to be ticking away like hands on a clock. Time keeps going and going, never stopping. Even when you think you've stopped, you're still going, growing, dying slowly and inching closer and closer to another beginning.

Even though you want to start over fresh, or like in a game just cut off the console and start back from the last save--you can't. The choices you make, the paths you take are all in tandem and there's no back button you can click or press. Everything costs a little bit (With every action there lies a consequence.).

There's one thing I always say about a certain person... a quote I read from a poster on the wall of a classroom years ago:

"An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it."
                                          - Orlando A. Battista

It applies to everyone though. Not just that certain person.

I'm so glad that summer is finally over and the cooler seasons can make their way. It's just so strange how fast time flies... It's as though spring was only yesterday.

I'm trying hard to keep myself busy, but I always get so distracted.

Every day, I play with new pieces of a gigantic puzzle that will always be incomplete. They're pieces of my life: past, present and future. I wish I could at least put a few pieces together, but it's difficult. I just need more time and patience.

016

August 15... Grandma turns 78. Surprise party at a family friend's house. Tons of food, birthday cake, gifts and karaoke. We totally had a blast.

August 16... Visited friends. Spontaniety overcame. Roadtrip to Sikeston, MO. Dinner at Lambert's, home of throwed rolls. Amazing experience complete with souvenir cups and photobooth pictures... So many leftovers!

August 17... Back at friends' house. Guys are playing Halo. Ready to go home. Need sleep.

- Sent from my iPod

015

I want to be able to carry a conversation. I am not sure if there actually is a right or wrong way of doing it, but if there is I feel like I am doing it wrong. I want to know the right things to say and when to stop if I am talking too much. I want to be a good listener. I am always afraid to answer a question or speak up if I am unsure only to find out I would have been right if I had just said something.

If only for once I could just close my mouth and open my ears. I want to be the person someone can rely on to just listen--hear them out patiently with no interruptions unless requested. I wish that I could put myself on mute just for long enough to let someone else do the talking. I want to be the microphone, not the speakers.

014

I figured that since I was planning without being formally engaged, and he decided he wanted us to do it all over the right way... I won't start planning, not really, until I know for sure it's going to happen. Although things aren't always "for sure"... I'm willing to take a break from all the stress of rushing something that we're not exactly ready for quite yet.

I was starting to forget the things that are even more important.

Love is patient.

I sort of realize now how I was getting all caught up and excited over something that didn't seem very possible at the time. There were too many missing elements. I was over my head.

So now I've decided that if I want us to work out, I've gotta get in sync with him. He's all over the place, this insane but lovable workaholic nerd and I love him so much, and more than anything I want us to work. That's that.

013

I'm no longer worried about the wedding. As far as I know, the wedding will be postponed until further notice.

012

soconfusedsoconfusedsoconfused

I'm not quite sure what to say. I think I'm seriously screwing up the wedding already and it hasn't even happened yet. I wasn't prepared for planning or anything, and even though I could postpone it, because I mean now that seems to be the right thing to do... the boy says he kind of feels pressured (even though that confuses me even more because he used to always tell me things like he could whisk me away and we could elope on a whim!) and I'm feeling like I slacked off way too much for this to work out right now.

I'm only saying this after logging into a website that the David's Bridal website signed me up for. I only signed up at David's Bridal to play with the virtual thingy that you can dress your wedding up in & stuff. I thought it would be fun while I was bored, but now I'm worried. I logged into previously mentioned website, Our Wedding Day, and found out that you're supposed to do a ton of stuff months ahead. I wish I had known that then...

Now I'm worried that I won't be able to: make an appointment for us to get our blood tests, arrange the marriage license, request certified copies, prepare change of name documents and all that jazz. I suck at this, I swear! I wish I had some sort of like... niche for this stuff. I wish it all just came to me naturally, but obviously it doesn't just come easy like that (at least for me).

I don't know what to do. I need a coach or someone who can just stand next to me through all of this so I don't skip over big factors. Should the wedding go on?! I'm really worried. The wedding is only 34 days away. I've royally screwed this up, didn't I?

I wish I would stop worrying so much, but maybe this really calls for it now. I had all this time to try and get organized and whatnot... I will try to collect myself tonight, get some rest and try to figure this out tomorrow. Neeeeeeed sleeeeeep.